Monday, February 22, 2016

Ramblings of a Mom

It is a common thing that the change from not having any children to a family with kids leaves moms with a bit of an identity crisis. Not that you don't have enough 'job' descriptions... I mean now not only are you wife and employee and friend and music/sports or whatever enthusiast, but you add mom.

The struggle, sometimes, comes in how mom is not really something that is just added to the list. The mom title tends to push some of those other things out of the way and change how we see some of the other things. The struggle is real. Sometimes it is a tough struggle. Sometimes it is a relief struggle. But what is certain, it is a big change in more ways than you even imagined while waiting for the little one.

I can honestly say that for Gary and I (yes, Dad's are included) the start of a family was a smooth transition. Maybe it was because Kayla was so easy. Maybe it was because we were just at the right point for our family to begin. Maybe it was so long ago I just don't remember the hard stuff :)

No matter, with each of our first 3 the transition to the addition to our family was a wonderful one. In no time at all we could not imagine our lives any different way. Sure there were some financial worries and some shifting around of responsibilities but I was able to find a great balance between mom life and work life and social life.

Enter Ayden Jane. With this child, there was much more than a bump in the road financially. There was much more than a small redistribution of responsibilities and division of time. There was an enormous amount of stress and worry where excitement and joy should have been. There were serious conversations about how to move our little family forward. There were many things that were tossed aside to make way for the time commitment of Ayden Jane.

This was not the road I intended to travel. Heck, I didn't really even know a thing about this road! Now I am here, several years down the road with Ayden Jane doing well. On the verge of attempting to go back to work - needing to go back to work both financially and mentally. I have an entire community of friends with a unique bond over our children even though most I have never met. I have much fewer bonds with local friends as I have not taken time to foster those friendships. 

On one hand I am so very, very ready to shift away from 'doctortherapistmom' and back toward working outside the home mom. On the other hand, part of me is not sure I remember how! It's an odd place. Much of what I spend my time on is still reading medical journals and new research and books on sensory processing and supplements and nutrition and.... I'm almost addicted. lol

On the other hand I want to be involved in nearly anything that has nothing to do with PWS. I want to remember what I used to read about. I want to be more carefree. I know that I will never be able to go back to the person I was before Ayden Jane and that is just fine by me. I have learned so much that is good and I want to take that with me. I guess, in the end, maybe I am just finally at a point where I can breathe and relax, I just don't remember quite how!

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