What DO you say?

This has been on my mind for a long time, but I have had a hard time finding words. Well, words that don't sound a bit mean or something. Recent tragedy in the life of good friends just brings it to the point where I just have to try.

Rotten things happen. Sometimes, life sucks. The unthinkable becomes reality from time to time. No one gets a free pass, but in most cases we find ourselves on the end of wanting to help the person in crisis but having no clue what to say or do. I know that's the case for me anyway. I am, quite frankly, not good with words. Well, words, in person, when emotions are involved I am just plain horrible with. I do not have the gift of coming along side and comforting.

When Ayden Jane was born and then even more so when diagnosed, well meaning people shared their sincere words of compassion.... They landed, often, on my heart as well intended but entirely irritating. Sorry, I am not trying to offend, but honestly, if one more person told me that it was because Gary and I were such great parents that God chose us for the responsibility of AJ, it was going to get ugly. Another favorite, we were perfect for her because I was a special needs teacher. Then there is always the, "just be glad it isn't worse."

I could go on, but the point of this is to try to offer insights from someone who has had the unthinkable happen. First of all, in the case of rare genetic disorders or I would presume any illness, take the time to learn. It is such a relief to talk to anyone who has a clue what I am dealing with.

The second biggest thing is that I loved the offers of help. Problem was that most of them came in the form of, "tell me if there is anything I can do." But when I was in crisis, I didn't really even know how to ask. You just get through each day one moment and a time and asking for help requires planning which you just don't have the energy for.

So, hopefully I have not offended anyone of the awesome people that were here to help us. Just wanted folks to know to spare a few the platitudes and allow your friends to feel life stinks. Make your words let them know that you agree life stinks and you will walk the rough road with them, long term. And, probably more near and dear to my heart, be specific in your offers for help. When a friend is in crisis you may be able to see needs that will come better than they. They are in day to day mode. Don't say, "I would be glad to bring a meal sometime, just let me know." Say, "for the next month I will bring you a meal every Wed." Call when on the way to the store and ask if there are a few items you can get for them, then pick up a few extra things just because. Don't tell them to call you if they need someone to watch the kids, tell them that you are free on Thursdays and would love to have little Johnny come swim with you. Tell them Monday is laundry day so you will be by to pick up a few laundry baskets... You get the picture.