Monday, August 11, 2014

Out of the Shadows

If you have read much at all of Ayden Jane's adventures than you know she is doing great.  My head knows this.  In my head I know that she has beaten so many odds and that even when she was thrown off track when she got ill, we were able to get her back on track... each time.  My head knows that she is right where she should be academically.  My head knows she gets along with other kids and makes friends.  My head knows that she is disciplined and determined and willing to take on the challenges of navigating food.  My head knows she is smart and funny and sees the world in an amazing, creative way.  My head knows that she has reduced her scoliosis curve and the 'chances' of it returning are small.  My head knows that she is confident and happy.

I think you get the picture.

The problem comes in the heart.  I know she is right where she should be academically, but what will happen in 1st grade?  I know that she is managing really well with food but when will hyperphasia make her hungry constantly.  My heart worries that the ways in which she is different will cause her to be ostracized.  My heart panics a little each time I look at her and think I see her alignment slightly off or her weight climbing.  My heart is scared that the next illness will be the one we can't recover from.  Basically, my heart worries about so many things that I just took for granted with my other kids.  It just casts a long shadow that I pretty much just get used to...

Not to say that there isn't plenty of joy and awe and even a bit of pride in my heart as I watch her.

Just that there is a constant struggle of head vs heart.  All the great things in I know in my head are often a bit shadowed by the concerns of the heart.  There are days where the things in my head are so clear and bright it is like sunshine.  I love those days. Then there are days where the fears in my heart just well up and the shadows return.  The fears and what if's begin to creep in.  I think the constant fight to stay one step ahead of the next problem, to look at the outside and try to 'see' what's going on inside, to live a 'normal' life when things are in fact, not 'normal' just take a toll.

As I get ready to send Ayden Jane off to first grade in about a week, I am excited that she is doing so great.  But those shadows.  They keep following me and casting doubts.  Funny things about shadows, they dull the brilliance of light and make you see things that are not really there.

The best I know to do is to use my head and ask God to take charge of my heart.  Only He can calm the fears and doubts and give me the patience and strength required to fight the daily, exhausting battle of raising such an amazing, complicated little miracle.  (Of course, that actually applies to raising all kiddo's)

1 comment:

  1. Oh Janet, I can tell you that I could have written this exact post word for word. I can't even add to it....I just know exactly how you feel.