Mckenna

Mckenna is 9. She is absolutely amazing with Ayden Jane. She is brilliant and funny and artistic and athletic. She is also, however, occasionally very fearful. It was not always this way. In fact, when Mckenna was a tiny thing she was head strong, afraid of nothing, full of confidence... We saw a dramatic change about a year after Ayden Jane was born, shortly after Ayden Jane was diagnosed. It was a rough year on Mckenna. AJ's first 8 months seemed like we were in a fight that we were going to 'win'. I think most of us saw AJ's troubles as somewhat short lived as she continued to slowly get stronger... Once diagnosed, it was a whole other ball game. I think, for all of us it was like a hard blow on already weakened hearts. We were sad and we felt like we had failed somehow to save Ayden Jane. We knew now it was life long... During those same months, we lost a family friend to cancer. It was simply too much for a 7 year old to realize that Mom and Dad cannot fix everything and that bad things happen to good people even when we pray. Deep stuff for anybody, let alone a second grader.

Mckenna worked through things slowly and we began to rebuild her confidence. The lights were on at night, she started karate... Ayden Jane continued to amaze us and Mckenna's broken heart over her little sister started to mend. I would say by age 8 (third grade) Mckenna was happy and confident most of the time, but every now and again you would see that grip of fear. It was just painful for us to watch.

So, last week, after a soccer practice we were riding in the car on the way home and we began to talk. I don't remember exactly how it started, but we talked about how she is still hesitant to tackle or go for the ball sometimes. I told her she wasn't always that way. She said she remembered, but she just didn't know why she now feels afraid. I told her the story. I told her how she was before Ayden Jane and the profound effect it had on her because she loved AJ so much. I told her I was sorry she felt scared sometimes, that is was hard for all of us to handle and that it was more than a 7 year old should have to handle. that I wished I could fix it for her. Her response, (with a tone of relief and excitement all rolled into one) "so that's why I feel so afraid sometimes! Well, I know now that is nothing to be afraid of so I can stop being afraid!"
The next night as I left her room she said, "Mom, you can leave the light on if you want but you don't have to anymore." Mckenna has been joyful (likely well rested) and positive and relaxed this past week. Oh, and on the soccer field at training last night? Let's just say, she rocked! She was ... free.